You’ll learn life with out me. I know you won’t ever forget me but you’ll learn to live with out me.

So lost in what I want. I honestly don’t know anymore at what point to you draw line and just move forward?

Aren’t just words you throw around. It’s like saying I love you only say it when you mean it. It also doesn’t just mean physically either. It’s metal and well being all the way around. If you got there back.

You got them when there stressed out.

You got them when they have hard choices to make.

You got them when they need a cover story.

You got them when the cash flow is low and do your best to help.

You got then no matter what happens you never turn back on them. If you do your a fucking coward. What the worst than can happen? Cause at the end as long as you had their back you can laugh and brush the bullshit off. So here is to all the friends that stood by threw thick and thin. I have the out most respect for you. To all those that say it and don’t mean it. Go put a fucking bullet in your brain.

I’m sound asleep when I hear my favorite ring tone. Grandpa - Justin More. I search for my phone in my sheets. I see the name Pa, a slight panic make my heart skip a beat. I answer with a Hey.

Pa- You always pick up whenever I call no matter the time.

Me- Wouldn’t miss your calls for the world.

Me- Figured this call was to tell me that your old ass finally croaked. (faked a light laugh)

Pa- How would I dial the phone if I was dead dumbass? (his typical I think I’m funny laugh)

Me- Smartass

Pa- I love you boy (his twang carries the word boy) I’m proud of you.

I stumble with the words in my head. Soon as they become clear a single tear falls down my face and my heart begans to pour out.

Me- Pa you’ll never know how much those words out of your mouth mean to me. All I’ve ever wanted to was make you proud to call me your grandson. I fear that I’ve failed you.

Pa- (his voice hard and stern) Listen here boy. Your smile alone makes me proud to call you my grandson. Your entire life has been one big heart break and you’ve shown no weakness always have held you head high and fought threw it all. I question it everyday how you do it where you find your strength. Anyone else would have given up by now. I’m proud of you I look up to you.

My head began to spin rapidly. How could this be? He looks up to me? The man that has taught me everything in life looks up to me? I would kill to be a 12th of what this man is. I began to cry.

Me- (with the sound of tears in my voice) your are my strength pa everytime I feel weak and want to give up I hear you in my head with everything you’ve told me.

Pa- quit your crying and cowboy up

I laugh over the tears.

Pa- I love you boy. I’m proudest grandpa that every walk this planet.

Me- I love you pa. Your my hero. Goodnight.

Little does he know that I have hung onto every word he has ever said to me. Whenever life gets to be to much and I just want to yell and cry I hear him. “pick your head up walk tall” “quit your crying and cowboy up” “tears are for the weak” “everything will be okay”
So here is to my Pa the only constant thing in my life. My hero. My bestfriend. Most of all though MY Pa. I love you grandpa.

Let me just let me lay this words out in front of me so I can figure somethings out. First off I know you feel like I’ve put you in the back burner and I don’t care. This is not true I still care you cross my mind and I wonder what your doing and if your okay. I wonder if you are building resentment of me from all this I’ve put you threw. Then the larger picture steps in and takes my train of thought. Will I survive this? I know I will failure is not an option. Never has been never will be. For some reason though this question constantly comes into play. I need to figure this all out ASAP I text you good night and didn’t get a response this worries me.

I’m safer when I’m awake. The last months has been nothing but night terrors. It was the same dream every night till today. Today was a change of pace a much longer dream feeling so real and so long. Even though my eyes may only be closer for a few minutes. In my dream. A phone call wakes me up. I stumble to to find and answer my phone. It’s my Pa with his name bold on my screen and that picture of us in the fields. A smile creeps across my face as I slide the screen to answer it. I answer with of the common ways I do. What do you want old timer? His voice doesn’t follow on the panic sound of heavy breathing. My grandmothers voice breaks and you can hear the tear behind it. All she says is simple, clear and heart breaking. “He’s gone”. My phone has never felt so heavy at this point or maybe my arms never so weak. I fall to my knees. I can’t find the strength to do anything but weep. I curse god and scream for answer but get nothing in return. I can’t find the strength to carry on. I do find the strength to stand up. I follow my feet to the safe. With a skip I open it and take out my gun. All at once I hear every ones voice that has ever cared about me telling me not to do. I don’t listen I put the barrel in my mouth and with out hesitation pull trigger. I wake up sweating and fighting back the tears. I don’t know what to do.